THE ART OF PLAY

(or, why I spend more time on swing sets at 24 than I ever did at 4.)

a Life Itself blog post by Naira

From the moment I first understood English, I remember being bombarded with the word "play". It was something I should be doing instead of bothering my parents, something I wrote down on the family calendar if friends were going to be involved, or something I'd get to see on a Friday night at the Seattle Paramount if I was lucky. It could be structured or chaotic, quiet or a cacophony, anything my childlike imagination could dream up based on the people and places and things I had access to. Singing show tunes with my dad while we cleaned the house was play. Running little "businesses" on a playground based in the bartering system (1 Silly Band for 1 marble, that sort of thing) was play. Getting fake-married to a boy who gave me a Band-Aid after I skinned my knee was play. Sitting down on the sidewalk in hopes that ants would crawl across my shoes was play. Anything that piqued my curiosity and brought me joy could be play, so almost everything was -- and it was all around me, all the time.

Adulthood brought with it a much stricter set of social conventions and far fewer "appropriate" forms of behavior; so as I moved to New York, came of age and started to build my own romantic and sexual constellation, "play" took on a new meaning. It became a term describing a whole host of new behaviors that other adults assumed I partook in, but considered it unusual for me to talk about openly. I only ever heard the word in hushed tones in very specific rooms, and it was treated as a fragile taboo rather than an objective truth about how human beings liked to engage with one another. I discovered the concept of "play parties", which are often strangely elitist, poorly lit, and overrun by older men who just want access to younger bodies. There are hardly ever any designated spaces to get away from all the sex being had so you can take a breather or hold a clothed conversation; and there usually aren't any activities to engage in that aren't sex. People who organized these events often told me they want to create a space for discovery and "sex positivity", but I always ended up feeling objectified and uncomfortable by how sex-negative and shallow their community models actually were.

The two biggest things that helped me bridge the gap in how adults define "play" were: taking time to nurture all the interpersonal connections in my life that didn't involve sex or romance, and discovering Life Itself. Decentering the pursuit of new partners helped me realize that sex and dating are no stranger personal hobbies to talk about with friends than crafting or hiking or cooking; they're all just different ways in which we play. Somebody's idea of play could be going to a thrift store and putting on all the silliest possible hats and sunglasses. Someone might play by climbing to the top of a jungle gym at one a.m. to drink a bottle of wine. I like to play by meeting someone on a dance floor and taking them into a designated area to have sex no more than 30 minutes later. Reading, writing, drawing, shopping, tattoos, piercings, dancing, and sports are all forms of play; so are BDSM, kink, rope, wax, fire, electricity, sex parties, ENM (ethical non-monogamy), polyamory, and voyeurism. And the concept doesn't change between the two, not really. We still "play" by doing things that make us feel curious or excited or fulfilled; the only real difference is the parts of our bodies that are involved, and any other limits are self-imposed.

This is where Life Itself comes into…you guessed it…play. They coined and trademarked the term Playjacent™ to describe social spaces where many different types of play are available to partake in, but none are required OR made the focal point of the night. It's one of those ideas that I heard explained for the first time and thought, "This is exactly how I've always felt, but I've never been able to articulate it". Depending on my mood, who I'm with, what I'm wearing, or even the weather, I might want to explore the world or get to know people in a myriad of different ways, and Playjacent™ events always make sure that's possible. If I don't want to have sex or see anything sexual, I can dance or play games or peruse the small business vendor booths; but if I change my mind, there are safe, clean, designated spaces for sexual activity. The abundance of choice and the less heavy-handed regulatory structure creates a consent-forward atmosphere where people can focus more on having fun and building connections based on mutual respect. Life Itself even takes this a step further with the concept of a Fourth4Space™, that suggests work and play can cohabitate with one another, and that they don't have to be reserved for a specific date and time in your calendar that involves a setup and a teardown every single time you want to engage…but that's a conversation for another post.

The way we treat a certain subject starts with how we talk about it. Reevaluating our own relationships with love, sex, physicality, and "play" is the first step toward toppling the toxic infrastructures that reinforce rape culture and alienate the act of sex into a category completely separate from any other form of human engagement. And if you miss the freedom of being able to "go outside and play" as an adult, know that Life Itself is making that joy accessible again.